10 New Yorker Traits I Do Not Possess:
1) Eye contact is considered an act of aggression, or least rudeness. Oops. I smile and wave to every doorman I pass and make people uncomfortable on the subway when I acknowledge their presence. I asked a lady on the bus if I could sit next to her, and she said, “You aren’t from here, are you? Don’t ever ask that question.”
2) High rent is status quo. Are you kidding me? The rent here is unbelievable. I could buy a small farm in North Dakota for twice my yearly rent. No joke.
3) Everyone jay-walks in front of cops. Ok, I do this, too. But it still makes me nervous. Even when the cop is jay-walking. Even when I’m jay-walking on a bridge.
5) Yoga is a way of life. Shocking news. I have taken only one yoga class in three years since moving to New York. I was doing yoga twice a week before I moved. Now I just hang out in plow pose in my kitchen.
6) Believing there is a gym hierarchy. New York Athletic Club > Equinox > New York Sports Club > YMCA. Somehow, “my bedroom floor” (for pushups and crunches) and “the park” (for running) doesn’t fit into that.
7) Bedbugs are no big deal. I didn’t even know bed bugs were *real* three years ago. I thought they were like the bogeyman. “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Those little blood suckers scare me.
8) Praising Old School New York Pizza. I don’t like it. It’s gross, greasy, and has a weird texture.
9) Understanding the school system. I mean, where I’m from, you go to public school, you go to one of a very few private schools, or you homeschool. Here, there are public schools and magnet public schools that require auditions and hour long commutes both ways and and private schools and private boarding schools and privater schools.And then there are the schools that are so selective, parents put their children on a waitlist before the parents are even pregnant. There are state exams that stress children out so badly we had a seven year old in our ED having a panic attack. Weird.
10) Appreciating the cab driver’s skill. Nope. They make me sick every time. I’m tired of being nauseated.